Learning To Love Myself

Just got back from my counseling meeting with this little lady named Pauline. She’s very spiritual, in the way that her voice is very mellow and soothing. I told her about how I beat myself up a lot for little things and that I get depressed/insecure/uncomfortable whenever I’m by myself. I even brought up the whole being so sensitive to everything and having to be scared around other people because I have this weird feeling they don’t like me or are judging me. The moment I brought up sexuality, she jumped the gun and we talked about this for what seemed forever…

Basically she said that I have a lot of inner conflict with myself that is tied together. My identity as an Asian American, as a girl who also has feelings for people of the same gender, as a person who loves herself and will accept her own thoughts and feelings. I need to stop judging myself and just learn to love who I am. Of course, there’s nothing in particular I can physically do, it’s a mental process. Maybe Thanksgiving will give me a break to spend some time with me. And I won’t be depressed and scared of everything. I hope.

 

Made another appointment with her for the 3rd at 6pm. Hopefully I won’t feel so awkward whenever she doesn’t talk.

OMGOMGOMGOMG.

FOUND THE LANA LANG TO MY CLARK KENT.

MARRY MEEEEEEE. (i mean wut)

These Are My Confessions…

It’s easier for me to ignore people, push them away or run away from my problems than it is to confront anyone. I’m not saying I won’t confront you if the problem is getting worse, but if I can’t deal with close I am with you, I will become a hermit.

Saw an old friend tonight while having dinner with my Mom. Updated each other with our lives and weird to see how much we’ve changed. It’s like our personalities have flipped. I’ve become cold and serious, but at least I’ve stopped smoking cigarettes and I haven’t touched a drop of alcohol in a long time.

I need change. I need to get out of this area, it’s suffocating me. Hopefully my Mom will be able to give me the car so it’ll make it easier for me to go places. I feel sick being around this stupid campus.

Anyways, time to get some work done…

Pre-Tattoo Post

I am getting my first and probably only, tattoo tonight. I’m doing this because it’s a celebration of becoming 21 and my devotion to art and design for the rest of my life. I feel that having it on my back will be a secret enough place that even if my parents and others do see it, it will barely be noticeable unless I’m butt-naked. Here’s a sketch:

It’s a re-design of the virgo sign, in addition to the bee stinger (reference to me) and I’m going to make the feet look more like music note feet. I’m going to have it between my shoulder blades, so if I have a tanktop or t-shirt on, I can still hide it even if it has a low cut in the back.

I’m ready.

So Give Me Novacaine…

Yup. Toothache evolved into a fucking root canal. Half of my face is numb and I get to be on antibiotics, pain medication and no alcohol for at least a week. I’m sad I’m missing out on Happy Hour at Chevy’s right now. Oh well.

Anyways, school’s been crazy. Design Process involves jumbling a Fruit project that’s making us render pieces describing taste. Our next assignment is to build a 3-D model out of Bristol, this is gonna be a challenge. My Graphic Imaging class is redoing a menu design, so I chose In ‘N Out! HOW SIMPLE! And god knows what I’m learning in Drafting & Sketching, being even more of a perfectionist than I already am?

So on top of my Woodshop Monitor job and my part-time at Natural Sensations (in which I’m sure the boss hates me now because I threw up the other day from taking codine without any food), it’s been hectic. I’m tired all the time and probably will be worse with the pain medication making me drowsy. Thank goodness it’s the weekend at least…